I spent the whole past two years of my life developing apathy towards the world to avoid diving into my own inadequacies or facing adversity. I’m turning 24 next month, glad i’ve realized it at least now. That cost of apathy quote really materialized my understanding of why I wasn’t myself or why I made choices that don’t align with my dreams.
I hope it’s not too late and I can still reach whatever is out there for me.
Yeah I found it quite interesting that the overwhelming feeling from my more serious bouts of depression was not sadness or frustration, but severe apathy. I’ve come to despise it and want to avoid it at all costs moving forward. We’re still young and the vast majority of our time is still in front of us! But we cannot let the abundance of time manifest within us as apathy. The only way to lose is to forsake ourselves, yet, that’s what the majority of us end up doing.
my apathy made me not live in the present and enjoy and internalize every moment. i detached from my partner, throwing away my awesome relationship, then i rationalized thinking i want something better, and then had forsaken my passion for design for a more secure path and now i’m dreading it everyday. work is soul sucking and i seriously don’t see a future.
And the apathy is nowhere to be found like some kind of white collar criminal, but the devastation it left behind is ridiculous. I’m at rock bottom. Don’t do apathy kids.
I related to this and I know my 23 year old self would too. It’s a weird state to be in, you are not too far removed from college and still unsettled. The goals are murky and the wants (maybe needs too) are high. I’m only 25, but what helped me is being the best at what lies six inches in front of me. We can’t brute force our way to the top, we can only keep chopping away and hope that our next blow is the one that knocks the tree down.
“But for the first time in my life, I actually want to believe in myself. Not because it makes me feel cozy in the tummy, but because I see so much value in it, that I would rather die than doubt myself. I apologize for the extreme rhetoric, but yes, this is a matter of life and death—it’s that important to me.”
This quote hit. Believe you can do big things. The best thing to have a delusional belief in is you.
love this piece! beautifully written and really hits home. They say we’re young but we are beginning to feel so old; we used to hop door to door carelessly but now we see more beginning to close each day, right in front of our eyes, but we also feel the more mature and able to grasp onto the things most important to us. Ahh the bittersweetness of growing older
Beautiful! I really relate to Sylvia Plath's different branches example. I just turned 24 and just few days ago was thinking about all the different paths life can take from here depending on what I attend to. A lot of them were scary, negative branches since I have been depressed for so long! But let's just focus on what we want to see more off!
Would definitely recommend The Bell Jar if you haven't read it before! My greatest fear in life is that I will go down those negative branches, so I definitely relate to where you are coming from. But the positive branches are out there for our taking, and there are so many of them!
I'll add another Dostoevsky to quotes that haunt me (from "The Brothers Karamazov"): “Having chosen an elder, you renounce your will and give it to him under total obedience and with total self-renunciation. A man who dooms himself to this trial, this terrible school of life, does so voluntarily, in the hope that after the long trial he will achieve self-conquest, self-mastery to such a degree that he will finally, through a whole life’s obedience, attain to perfect freedom — that is, freedom from himself — and avoid the lot of those who live their whole lives without finding themselves in themselves.”
omg i related to every single word of this. staying young mentally ie believing in yourself and not becoming jaded, really is a beautiful practice that needs to be cultivated, day in and day out
I just have to say that you are so young! 23 is not old! You can start a new path in 10, 20, 30 years time! There should be no stress about timeline, instead focusing on enjoying the process, because the process is a majority of what life is. There is a day after you reach your desired outcome and you have to make sure you can enjoy that too. 🤍
I spent the whole past two years of my life developing apathy towards the world to avoid diving into my own inadequacies or facing adversity. I’m turning 24 next month, glad i’ve realized it at least now. That cost of apathy quote really materialized my understanding of why I wasn’t myself or why I made choices that don’t align with my dreams.
I hope it’s not too late and I can still reach whatever is out there for me.
Yeah I found it quite interesting that the overwhelming feeling from my more serious bouts of depression was not sadness or frustration, but severe apathy. I’ve come to despise it and want to avoid it at all costs moving forward. We’re still young and the vast majority of our time is still in front of us! But we cannot let the abundance of time manifest within us as apathy. The only way to lose is to forsake ourselves, yet, that’s what the majority of us end up doing.
my apathy made me not live in the present and enjoy and internalize every moment. i detached from my partner, throwing away my awesome relationship, then i rationalized thinking i want something better, and then had forsaken my passion for design for a more secure path and now i’m dreading it everyday. work is soul sucking and i seriously don’t see a future.
And the apathy is nowhere to be found like some kind of white collar criminal, but the devastation it left behind is ridiculous. I’m at rock bottom. Don’t do apathy kids.
I related to this and I know my 23 year old self would too. It’s a weird state to be in, you are not too far removed from college and still unsettled. The goals are murky and the wants (maybe needs too) are high. I’m only 25, but what helped me is being the best at what lies six inches in front of me. We can’t brute force our way to the top, we can only keep chopping away and hope that our next blow is the one that knocks the tree down.
“But for the first time in my life, I actually want to believe in myself. Not because it makes me feel cozy in the tummy, but because I see so much value in it, that I would rather die than doubt myself. I apologize for the extreme rhetoric, but yes, this is a matter of life and death—it’s that important to me.”
This quote hit. Believe you can do big things. The best thing to have a delusional belief in is you.
Love the perspective! I know you’ve been an advocate for maintaining delusional belief, and it seems like it’s the recipe for consistency and growth
love this piece! beautifully written and really hits home. They say we’re young but we are beginning to feel so old; we used to hop door to door carelessly but now we see more beginning to close each day, right in front of our eyes, but we also feel the more mature and able to grasp onto the things most important to us. Ahh the bittersweetness of growing older
Thanks Jay! It really is bittersweet
Beautiful! I really relate to Sylvia Plath's different branches example. I just turned 24 and just few days ago was thinking about all the different paths life can take from here depending on what I attend to. A lot of them were scary, negative branches since I have been depressed for so long! But let's just focus on what we want to see more off!
Would definitely recommend The Bell Jar if you haven't read it before! My greatest fear in life is that I will go down those negative branches, so I definitely relate to where you are coming from. But the positive branches are out there for our taking, and there are so many of them!
from one 23 year old to another, this is so relatable!!
Thanks for the support Ashley!
I'll add another Dostoevsky to quotes that haunt me (from "The Brothers Karamazov"): “Having chosen an elder, you renounce your will and give it to him under total obedience and with total self-renunciation. A man who dooms himself to this trial, this terrible school of life, does so voluntarily, in the hope that after the long trial he will achieve self-conquest, self-mastery to such a degree that he will finally, through a whole life’s obedience, attain to perfect freedom — that is, freedom from himself — and avoid the lot of those who live their whole lives without finding themselves in themselves.”
Oof that one stings
omg i related to every single word of this. staying young mentally ie believing in yourself and not becoming jaded, really is a beautiful practice that needs to be cultivated, day in and day out
Thanks so much Ame! I feared that I wouldn’t get my message across / people wouldn’t be able to relate, but I’m so glad at least one person did :)
I just have to say that you are so young! 23 is not old! You can start a new path in 10, 20, 30 years time! There should be no stress about timeline, instead focusing on enjoying the process, because the process is a majority of what life is. There is a day after you reach your desired outcome and you have to make sure you can enjoy that too. 🤍